Saturday, February 11, 2012

Feminists gone wild!

The article "JFK and 19-year-old White House intern Mimi Alford -- a truly shameful revelation" from a Fox News contributor is truly shameful. I normally like reading the 'feminists' hired on by the likes of Fox or the Daily Mail (Femail) because it's good for a laugh, but this is simply irredeemable, not least of all because its author holds a PhD in psychology and has a website full of 'feminist' articles. Since when have so many morons held advanced degrees? I refer, of course, to Newt Gingrich and friends.

The article opens with an image of an innocent girl's aspirations to 'marry' a prince, with no commentary on where those aspirations might have come from. Then there's a bit of Tea Party-style leader bashing. Phyllis Chesler calls Monica Lewinsky a hoebag, and after she says that Marilyn Monroe and Judith Exner were hoebags.

Feminist protip: don't call women hoebags.

Chesler says it's fine that these adult women were hoebags because at least they were consciously advancing their careers. But God forbid the president have consensual sex with a 19 year old -- one can't meaningfully consent at 19. Basically, in one paragraph she accuses president Kennedy of command rape and in the next says, "but he wasn't a rapist."

Glad we cleared that up.

Next she describes sex workers as hoebags, then implies that they are traitors for writing about their encounters. She vaguely refers to "similar" abuses from our leaders (without clearing up which of the many abuses she's written about are in question) and nuclear weapons in the same sentence, implying that our long history of leaders with knobs instead of brains has made us less safe.
If anything, sexually deviant presidents have saved us from total annihilation: I'd rather the president was getting a blowjob than launching a strike during a nuclear crisis. In fact, I propose keeping anyone who has the authority to use weapons of mass destruction SO busy with blowjobs that they can't remember their own name-- at least until such time as our puny human minds have figured out that nuclear weapons are never an option.

Chesler makes out that one's sex life isn't private in an age where some people make sex tapes to gain notoriety. 24/7 news cycles and Facebook don't in themselves constitute an argument for anything, and for all the wacky antics our Supreme Court has gotten up to these last years, it seems to be moving in a sensible direction with regard to keeping government out of your bedroom.
She turns to breaking down our golden age view of the past by giving a litany of presidential and gubernatorial infidelities. For good measure, let's throw Anthony Weiner in the same boat as Tiger Woods, because that makes sense. Why not slag off the recently dead Ted Kennedy, too? In the face of all the Kennedy tragedy, "One would have hoped for no further dirt." Alas, some hoebag had to dig some more up, shattering my golden age image of Kennedy as a sex maniac to replace it with one of a sex maniac who has been accused as a rapist. 

Friday, February 3, 2012

Is Santa Claus the Antichrist? (part one)

Author's note: Now that we find ourselves well into February, it seems an appropriate time of year to begin our annual investigation into the War on Christmas. Back around December 26th, when I realized that for the umpteenth time in my life I hadn't received the present I most wanted -- heaps of cash -- I began to suspect that Santa Claus was in fact the Antichrist. Let us begin part one of our investigation with two meditations:

"Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He prayed to Father Christmas." -A man who claims not to be homeless

"Dude was greasier than Satan's balls / and he wouldn't return my letters nor calls" -Dante Alighieri

Following some instructions I found on the Internet, I decided to head  straight to the source: Santa Himself. I put on my money t-shirt and Santa hat, queued up that Kenny G number from A Very Merry Chipmunk on my brand-name hi-fi, and generally got moody. I also had my dad print out some North Pole themed stationary and help me find my big kid pens. I decided to use the red and green colored ones for this letter.

After a month, I have received no reply. I can confirm that Santa will neither confirm nor deny that He is in league with the Prince of Darkness. Awfully suspicious, don't you think? Already this throws dubiousity on his Christian credentials. Should he not be ready to confess that the Bigger Guy is His Savior? Sure, we all have a little Manichean in our past. In the words of another Fat Man, "everybody's just a little bit homo-sexual." We could deal with that, Santa, even if Mrs Claus were less than sympathetic. Skeletons in the closet -- literally? Everything's been forgiven, girls! You can come home! But a lack of faith? Non, mon capitaine.

If the secrecy on this matter reveals anything, it's that Santa be illin'. But it may also be true that he also be marking us in a beastly fashion, if you'll pardon the pun.

Dear Santa Claus.

It's me, Luke. Are you there? I understand you get a lot of letters everyday, but this isn't your creditor Luke, it's the other one. You know, with the hair. Of course you know. You know everything. You see me when I'm sleeping and everything ;-) but you never call just to say hi. You only call when things aren't going well. What did I do wrong? I promise I haven't been too naughty.

So, how have you been? Are the reindeer staying out of trouble? Seen any good broads lately? That Mrs Claus is nice and all, but she really needs to lay off the eggnog if she's going to pretend to deserve you. Me? I'm going okay I guess. I just recently figured out that I'm such a miserable fuck because some asshole let George Carlin onto kids' TV. Thanks for asking.

Here's the part where I tell you how good I've been this year. Like, whoa! Not only did I put all my toys away, but I only used toys that would help in the fight against the War Against Christmas. I particularly made use of my toy sword, and those unbelievers couldn't get enough of my ray gun.

I know it's polite enough to limit my toy list to two or three things, but I'll keep it to one. Please bring me heaps of cash.

Thanks for bringing me toys every year. It's nice enough, I guess, even if what I really want is heaps of cash. You're great.


PS- Are you a Satanist or what?
Then I asked my parents to put it in the mail for me. What's the hold up for then?

Part two of this investigation later as soon as my parents allow me more computer time. As always, I welcome your comments.

Phrases for language acquisition

The sad truth about most language learning courses and teach yourself apps is that they suck. As a man fluent in dozens of languages who has also read some stuff on Wikipedia about human nature and shit, I can be quite certain when I say that these so-called tools just don't understand me. They throw out all kinds of pseudo-scientific terminology about grammar being in the aether of the human mind and innate-submersion-transmogrification, when what we really need is a psychotomimetic approach to language acquisition. For you lame men, a psychotomimetic approach is to follow an average person around for a few days and figure out about 5-10 phrases they use most frequently. Sadly, our ante-intellectual po-po-patrol have tried to throw me in the hoosegaol for 'stalking' on a few occasions. But, like, they had to follow me around to catch me, right? Who's the stalker now? They only set science back by a few weeks, though, and I've been able to sort out those commonest phrases. If you can memorize these few things, you can become familiar with a new tongue in a matter of minutes.

  • Yes
  • No
  • Where is the bathroom?
  • Two whiskeys
  • I just watched the free channels
  • This party is lame
  • I love you
  • Get away from me, you crazy bitch